Itching for a date to Homecoming? You came to the right place. Follow this step-by-step procedure to ensure you’re part of the sharpest-looking couple at the dance.
Day 1: Find potential Homecoming date. It doesn’t matter who. Make sure, however, that they are semi-attractive and possibly know who you are. It is usually easier to go with someone you are already friends with, but when you’re desperate, anything flies. Godspeed, my friends.
Day 2: Facebook stalk. Remember, social networking is your friend. Locate any potential threats to your plan, and plan to upstage them immediately. Every girl posting on his wall is a potential threat (unless they have the same last name—then they’re probably related). Do not underestimate their danger to your overall plan. Stalk pictures. Judge his character based on who he hangs out with and what he does. Determine height based on comparing him with others in his pictures. Determine how high of heels you can get away with, but DO NOT PURCHASE THE SHOES UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY SEE HIM. And remember, a photogenic date is always a plus.
Day 3: Initiate a text conversation. Find out number from friends if necessary. Ask about homework. When he wonders where you got his number, remind him how you got it last year in geometry (lie). Act confused until you are forced to call him and ask for additional help. Quickly steer the conversation away from homework. No one cares about that anyways. Talk about his athletic prowess. Compliment if at all possible. If he does not seem to have this talent, do not bring this up. It will only make him feel badly about himself. Instead, ask about his accomplishments on the chess team. That’s interesting too, right?
Day 4: Approach potential date at school. Make sure target is not surrounded by other girls. If he is, start over with new subject. It’s too risky for the 10-day plan. It could take years. There is no going back now if he spots you. Forge ahead and remain confident.
Day 5: Subtly bring up the fact that you just bought a Homecoming dress. Even if you didn’t. Comment on how it matches his eyes. And wouldn’t he look dashing in a tie of this color?
Day 6: Get a picture with him. Make profile picture. This borders on stalker, so be careful. Be prepared for the comments. Defend with he is not your boyfriend, but don’t we look cute together? Make sure to tag him so his friends see this too. And then they start picturing you together. Start planning the wedding now.
Day 7: Follow subject to find out about his schedule. This way, you can “coincidentally bump in to him” on Day 8. If he spots you, it’s okay. He’s still thinking about the picture, anyways. Approach him at end of day with your plans for the weekend. Let him drive the conversation. This gives him a false sense of control. This is important since HE is going to be the one asking YOU. Don’t pay attention to what he’s saying, however. That’s unimportant. Instead, focus again on the SHOES you should wear. Buy the shoes on the way home.
Day 8: This is CRUNCH TIME. It’s time to step up your game. Start dropping hints about cute ways you’ve “heard” guys ask other girls. Don’t forget, you have to bump into him today. Laugh casually as you pass him. Between. Every. Class. This is also the day to confide in your friends with your plan. Tell them almost everything. It would just be creepy to tell them everything. Ensure that none of them like the same guy. It’s not quite important enough to lose a friend over. Almost.
Day 9: Tell your friends to drop hints. Now. It’s important. No hint is strong enough. Be obvious. If he hasn’t called you by now, abort. ABORT! Start again with a new guy. If things are going well, however, take advantage of every opportunity to talk, text, call, bump into, walk with, follow, laugh with, and stalk him.
Day 10: Just wait. If you are asked, continue reading. If not, take a moment to bawl your eyes out and remember, there’s always next year.
CONGRATULATIONS! The ten step plan has worked for you! Now that you have a date, this is the perfect time to start picking out wedding dresses.
